And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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