I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize