have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
