Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize