Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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