I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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