i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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