You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
