his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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