I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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