I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
