i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
