i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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