I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
