Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
