I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
