my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
