I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please come you make the beer taste better
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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