Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
