you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
