he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
