I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
