Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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