I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I love you. Go after that dick
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