found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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