tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
