What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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