Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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