my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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