you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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