I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize