We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
