I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
my poor anus
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
