He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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