i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
