my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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