I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
