I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize