and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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