Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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