i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
