I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize