I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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