I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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