I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
