that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
