I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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