AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
