A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
