I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
