Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize