I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
