You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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