Already got asked if we're dating
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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