do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
