My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
