Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
