Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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