Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Im part way to drunk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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