I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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