If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
