remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
