he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize