I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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