Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
