I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
